OK, So I Lied…

I said I’d not mention things about the tumor and such again but I have a bit of a different slant on it that might not make it such a bore. At least I hope some of you might see it that way.

I think I mentioned that many of the supplements I’m taking and have taken for years turn out to be natural forms of the anti-hormone pills I’m supposed to take for the next five years. And that I won’t be taking them any more. The pills, that is. I’m continuing the supplements, maybe even adding to them.

I wonder if the fact that I’ve been using the supplements had anything to do with the fact that the tumor was pretty much confined to one locale and hadn’t spread to lymph nodes, etc. There’s no way to be sure about that, of course, but I can’t help but wonder. My intuition suggests it’s possible.

Every so often I sort of wonder about doing something different, dropping a certain supplement or increasing the dose or taking a new one, and that suggests to me that my Higher Self may be hinting at something new. Trouble is, Higher Self isn’t always clear; it seems to want to make me make the decision, to grow up, be an adult. I’m not real good at listening to Higher Self yet, though sooner or later I’ll often do something "impulsive" that’s been cooking silently on the back burner and it seems to turn out OK. Maybe Higher Self is acting then.

Since natural and plant supplements often provide much lower dosages than the synthetic stuff, I’ve thought that maybe I should increase the amounts that I use but since I’m already over many of the recommended amounts I’m being very careful what I do. Decisions, decisions. Growth.

What this post is leading up to is that I think the world is in an evolutionary "learning curve" that’s rapidly rising and things like cancer and world disruptions and such have a purpose, though I’m not sure exactly what that might be. I suspect it’s to help us learn to make difficult decisions, to become co-creators of the world we live in. I think my cancer is to give me the chance to learn to pay attention to something I’ve often given short shrift. Intuition, listening to my heart. I’ve long lived in my head.

We like to think of growth as something orderly and controlled but Mother Nature doesn’t always see things the same way we do. We’re being given a chance to learn and participate in something most of us have long believed to take ages and eons and to happen more or less accidentally and beyond our control, beyond our lifetime.

But evolution is now happening even as we observe it (though it may not be clear that’s what it is at the time) and it may seem more like a “world of hurt” than growth, which is what evolution is. Many of us want to return to life as it was, as it used to be, but a state that’s characterized by no growth is called death. It’s our choice. Scary, huh?

We’re no longer following paths that have been laid out by those who went before us who, we believe, might have been wiser than we are. We’re making new paths where there are none and we’re becoming "the ones that have gone before."

When it’s only you that’s involved with your intuitive choices and decisions it’s easier than when it also involves others. It’s often painful and exhausting and worrisome when we understand that what we feel is right may simply be opinion, and biased, at that. How can we be sure it’s our intuition and correct?

Follow your heart. Intuition, like the Higher Self, doesn’t shout. But then, good teachers don’t have to shout, they gently guide, and let you learn at your own speed and in your own way. Dam’! LOL

That intuition thing is tricky, isn’t it? There’s a feeling of “right,” – not righteousness – when we get it, though. I think we have to learn to trust it by trusting it and by learning when we get it wrong. We may feel more confident and comfortable when we follow our head but if we let our heart inform our head we can have it all. That’s pretty much the way we grow up, become adults, by making mistakes and learning from those mistakes and living with the consequences, painful and/or sad though they may be.

But if we don’t start at least giving half an ear to intuition and the Higher Self we may not have the chance to grow or have a planet to grow on.

I wonder what the new human being will be like.

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Sorry About That, Folks…

I’ve been terribly remiss about writing here of late. My apologies.

It’s not as if I write much of anything deep and/or thoughtful, but I like to think I at least have something to say now and then that might make you think or take a different look at something you’ve taken for granted or just to fill up a blank page.

But I haven’t. It’s not that I haven’t had ideas and thoughts about things I could write about. I simply haven’t had the energy. I don’t know if I can blame the anti-hormone pills (maybe) or just my innate laziness (could be).  I sit down and look at the computer screen and suddenly an hour or more has gone by and it’s time to make supper (if I have the energy) or pay bills or something.

I’m about out of the pills and I’ve made the definite decision to not take any more. I’m not convinced I need them and, it turns out, a lot of the supplements I take and have taken for years are natural inhibitors. Maybe that’s why the tumor hadn’t spread to the lymph nodes but had just stayed where it started.

In any event, I’m going to stop the pills and continue the supplements and not worry about the outcome. My decision is either “wrong” or “right” but in any case it’s my decision and I’ll live with the outcome.

And today’s post is the last one about my medical condition. You’ve put up with enough about it. I’ll try to find more interesting subjects in the future.

Thanks for sticking with me through all of this.

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This Surgery Was Very Different From The First

I’m not going to go into great detail so if you’re squeamish, don’t worry about gory stuff.

This time the surgery was done in the main hospital’s day surgery area and it was a very different experience from the first one done in The Pavilion. Parking was more difficult, to begin with, and my wheelchair had to be pushed uphill to get where we needed to go, and there were many more miles of hallways to be traversed.

As in any hospital, the energies were a bit difficult to cope with, feeling jangly and jarring.

We got there early and were shortly put into a bay with several other curtained-off areas. This compared to being put into a private room at The Pavilion. There were the expected sounds and clatters and voices. Noise can be off-putting. While everyone was pleasant and professional, there was a feeling of distraction, as if they were working on me but already thinking of the next person they had to attend to.

It was quite cool in the room, which was comfortable for me, but which still made my veins constrict, so they had some trouble getting an IV started. We managed. Eventually. After the nurse blew a vein “as big as Dallas,” as she put it.

There was discussion with the anesthetist about my earlier high blood pressure issues so they were prepared for that. I opened my mouth and stuck my tongue out and proved my neck was flexible. However, I didn’t emphasize that I have fibromyalgia and the anesthetist may not have got that message. I think that’s where the problem began.

There were a few other issues of a more private nature that I won’t go into but that exasperated me a bit. But we handled that, too.

And then I was off to the OR, scooched onto the operating table, and soon was sound asleep.

I woke up after recovery, a little woozy, but doing well and soon was on my way home with Tony driving. Not an easy condition for a control freak like me but hey, the anesthesia wasn’t completely worn off yet. I did stay awake, though.

Once home, I slept most of the rest of the afternoon away and woke up about an hour before bed time, still not feeling badly at all. I went to bed.

And the next morning it all ended. I could barely get out of bed.

I had a really sore throat and an abraded lip that was likely due to the anesthesia tube in my throat during surgery, and my stomach and chest muscles felt like I’d been doing ab crunches while I was anesthetized. I haven’t felt that much muscle pain in a long time, even with fibromyalgia.

Also, I didn’t realize how much I used my trunk muscles just to walk with a cane.

Of course, I’d not taken my supplements or anything for a few days, so if I want to be charitable, I’ll say that’s why. But I don’t think so. I think the anesthesia folks were a little rough with me, hyperextending my neck and such things. Though I can’t explain the sore trunk muscles. It really hurt to cough or sneeze.

So I started my supplements up again (if I’d ever wondered if they helped, and at times I had, I believed they did now) and upped the magnesium and MSM especially.

It’s now Thursday after a Monday surgery and I’m still sore but much better. By the time I go for my post-op checkup on Tuesday I’ll be as good as new – more or less.

But I’m not happy with the way this surgery transpired. I felt like I was a unit on an assembly line and while I was treated adequately, even in a friendly fashion, I didn’t feel treated like a person.  I’ve had major abdominal surgeries before, in 1971 and 1991, so I have a baseline from which to make a judgment.

The operation itself has been basically painless. It’s the stuff that goes around the surgery that makes me dissatisfied. Maybe if the first surgery, even with the pain of trying to get a good blood pressure, hadn’t been so relatively good I’d not have a gripe. But now I feel I do. I’m not a happy camper.

But that should be the end of any surgeries. Next I’ll be having radiation therapy to complain about. That should be an experience.

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