I’m trying to figure out how best to approach this news. Should I wait a while before blogging? I mean, maybe this is not the emotionally best time to try to figure out what I feel. Should I give myself time to letting the emotions come into focus? Or is getting the emotions down while they’re unsettled more true to them?
Oh, the news. Today I found out the lump (that turned out to be two) in my right breast is cancer, the most common kind of cancer in women in my age group. It’s called Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. So far it appears to be localized, that is, hasn’t involved the lymph nodes, even though it’s termed “invasive.” As near as I can tell, that simply means it began in the duct tissue and then moved out or “invaded” other breast tissue.
So I have further testing to be done and surgery, too. Maybe chemotherapy but I’ll find out more at my next appointment on Friday.
What I find interesting is that I’ve had thoughts of cancer flitting through my mind for several months, long before I discovered the lump that led to discovery of the other lump. So we obviously know more than we know we know.
But what good does that do if we can’t get more than a “flit?” Is it preparation of some sort? Or is it meant to be a warning? If a warning, what can we do with only a “flit?” Beats me.
If that’s the case, what about my “flits” of my funeral or demise or whatever? Is that just a case of my age? Or does it mean something, too? This sense of intuition would be a lot handier if it came with more and definite information.
Not that I mind being dead. I’ve been dead (I think) and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m not too keen on dying, though, although it was pretty easy the first time. But getting to “dead” can be less than satisfying. Besides, while life isn’t perfect at the moment, I’m not ready to leave it just yet. There’s too many things I want to see how they turn out.
So, here’s what I’ll do. Take it day by day, don’t worry, and see what happens. Worry hasn’t ever cured anything or even changed anything, in my experience. And nobody is guaranteed tomorrow no matter how well today seems to be going. Now is all we have and I feel pretty good just now. Can’t beat that.
Search for Soul 