I had a random thought today that then stuck with me.
I’ve been trying to think about why this diagnosis hasn’t made me fearful or anxious or angry or any of the things that such a thing is supposed to do or at least likely to do.
And then I realized at least a part of the answer.
It’s given me a purpose.
For a long, long time now, for years, I’ve been stuck in a dark spot, trying to figure out why I can’t seem to write, feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t figure out why I was here, what I was “supposed” to be doing, what was my purpose in life, why I couldn’t get myself energized to do anything.
And suddenly I feel myself feeling energized again. Maybe not energetic like when I was young, say 45 or so, but at least a little bit more energized than I have been in a long time. From whence comes this energy?
My thought today suggested it came from having a purpose, from having something positive to do, maybe even creative. I can fight cancer. I can beat cancer. I DON’T HAVE TO HAVE CANCER to have a purpose.
But first things first.
Now, maybe that doesn’t help me with some of my other existential concerns like why I’m here but it does give me a purpose, “something to do.”And I’m feeling more energized.
And more tired, but at least that’s from feeling energized and doing more, even if it is simply going to doctors’ appointments and making decisions, life-changing decisions, maybe even life-saving decisions. Hey, that’s pretty significant.
I talk about how long it takes to drive to the hospital, about how all the traffic through all that construction (there’s only about a total of five miles out of the forty miles or so that doesn’t have highway construction) makes for crazy drivers, and how difficult it is to get myself prepared each time, but it’s all for a reason, for a purpose.
And I haven’t felt like I had a sense of purpose for a long time. Then the light went on.
And I was enlightened.
Strange, isn’t it, that what could be seen as a death sentence (I don’t think it is, though) could instead give me a reason to live, to work for life.
I like the inherent contradiction. It suits my personality.
As Niels Bohr said, “The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”
I feel like I’m in the presence of, in the middle of, a profound truth and as I work through it, I’m learning how its opposite is another profound truth.
That’s enlightenment.
Sam where are you being treated?
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At Scott & White in Temple, TX. Are you familiar with them?
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Hi, I feel a parallel on all of the below. Can we talk? Joie
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I’d love to talk, Joie, but I have to warn you that things are moving very quickly (for me, anyway) and I may not have time or energy to get back to you as soon or as often as I’d like. But go for it and we’ll make it work.
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Sent from my iPad
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I love this,Sam! AND I love the Niels Bohr quote. This post has enlightened me as well, thank you!
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That Bohr quote has long been one of my favorites, Lo. When I remember it, it can help me from becoming too fixed on my own ideas and thoughts.
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Scott and White is renowned in that area, Sam,
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They’ve long been my go-to hospital but I rarely go to. I think the last time was in 1991 so things have changed a lot. There are new “towers” and all sorts of clinical specialties. I noticed they also have a special office for translators, which makes me wonder how many languages they can translate and how many countries their patients come from. I do know they once had the “vision” of becoming “the Mayo Clinic of the South” and they may very well be well on their way. It’s a huge place now.
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