I’ve been struggling with weight issues for over 50 years. While I managed to keep the weight under control in various ways, the struggle was never far from my thoughts no matter how thin and "normal" I appeared. I was often hungry and the effort to be disciplined was intense.
I’ve gone to a hospital’s diet clinic three times and only once managed to lose weight, on their “defined diet," which was a canned liquid meal and raw fresh vegetables. I didn’t quite make it down to 130 and was always hungry. I’m the only person I know who can barely lose weight on raw vegetables!
I even went to the Cooper Clinic in Dallas where I got a personalized diet and exercise plan. I still didn’t lose weight. The only guaranteed way for me to lose weight is to stop eating. I’ve done that, too. Not good for the body. I never developed anorexia but it was tempting.
For those who immediately suspect thyroid problems, I’ve been thoroughly checked out for those, several times, both by conventional testing and by more extensive and less conventional testing. Thyroid specialists tell me that, weight gain not withstanding, my physical symptoms are inconsistent with an under active thyroid.
When I was 36 I took up running and became a marathon runner. I also lifted free weights, counted fat grams and calories, meditated, stretched, all the things we’re "supposed" to do to be healthy. For a while I didn’t have to think constantly about what I ate. For the most part, I did feel good, although I resented the fact that I could expend so many calories and still have to watch my intake. I was still often hungry.
Then, when I was about 40 or 45 I started to gain weight in spite of all the exercise and dieting. I could slow it down but the creep was inexorable. I was running daily, though no longer marathon distances, and I’d get up two hours early every day so I could get all that exercise and stuff done before work.
About this time I was also diagnosed with what was then called fibrositis, now called fibromyalgia, due to what I’d thought was excessively lingering muscle pain from overdoing my physical regimen.
Shortly before I was 50 I had a hysterectomy. The fibromyalgia pain and weight gain seemed to escalate after that. At 50 I crashed and burned big time and had to take early retirement on disability with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia and depression. Well, who wouldn’t be depressed?
It was while I was sitting at home in dark despair that I began my spiritual search. As a medical technologist, this search was about as far from my training as anything could be. However, I came to understand and believe that there was some sort of connection between my spiritual and physical states though I was unsure what it might be.
I finally decided that if I was going to gain weight no matter how hard I tried to keep it off and be hungry all the time to boot, I was gonna quit trying. I began to eat what I wanted when I wanted (and that was surprisingly less than one might think) and my weight didn’t balloon like I thought it would. After a couple of years of stable-but-overweight pounds, I decided that if I wasn’t gaining, maybe it was time to try to lose some of the weight.
I’m always told, or it’s insinuated, by those whom I consult for help with weight loss that if I did it right it’d work. In other words, as long as I eat less and exercise more, the weight will come off. Well, that doesn’t work.
Until several years ago I was the most compliant patient any doctor or clinician could want so this really strikes at my heart. I’m obsessive-compulsive enough to want to do everything right and I was enough of a people pleaser that I’d outdo their instructions, so nobody was more disappointed than I was when these things didn’t work. One thing I did learn, though; I’m not into people pleasing any more and somewhat less obsessive-compulsive.
Then I read the “symptoms of ascension” and almost all of them fit me to one degree or another. If you do a web search you’ll find all sorts of lists of these symptoms as well as all sorts of opinions about them, from claiming they’re merely menopause or that they’re due to changing your DNA or that you’re raising your energetic vibration, or whatever that particular individual believes.
Whether my symptoms were “merely” menopausal (and I challenge anyone who’s gone through menopause to agree that it’s “mere”), or actually something more esoteric, doesn’t matter to me. It became clear to me that some sort of transformation was happening and it was obviously physical and likely spiritual as well.
So here I am, nearing 70 years old, 5’3" and overweight, though I can’t tell you by how much because I haven’t been on a scale in many years. At least one hip joint is bone on bone so walking-type exercise is out of the question, at least for now. My blood pressure began to react to the weight (I suppose that’s what did it) and once again I’m in despair. Well, not exactly despair, but really, really puzzled and discouraged.
I’ve sometimes assumed that the weight gain was an effort by spirit to keep me grounded (it sure does that!). I’d stopped sitting meditation and berated myself for that, thinking if it might help with my blood pressure, why didn’t I do it? But I have become more mindful of my activities as I’m engaged in them, so I guess I’m still meditating, just not sitting at it. One psychic told me I meditate best when I’m driving! I really like driving and I am very involved when I do so, so maybe she was right.
I’d love to get off the blood pressure medication but herbs and supplements haven’t helped and my blood pressure is high enough to be dangerous if untreated. Maybe I’d go Home earlier than scheduled! Hooray!
The only problem with that is, I believe that we leave the body when it’s time to and with my luck I’d end up even more crippled instead of "dead."
The fibromyalgia pain is pretty much less now (I think it was a physical symptom of a spiritual imbalance and that’s why it’s regressing) though it’s still lurking if I slide back into my old excessive ways of "doing."
I’m just having a real hard time trying to reconcile this condition with my understanding of spiritual-to-physical manifestations. It’s like one of those commercials says about arthritis pain, "I don’t want to be 22 again, I just want to be able to walk up the stairs." Not only without pain, but without the effort skyrocketing my blood pressure. I don’t want to be 22 again, or even 42, not even 52, I just want what I think my spiritual attitude is now to be reflected in my body.
Or maybe it is. That’s discouraging to consider, too.
I’m not sure I can say I like my body the way it is, but it sure is one tough, strong old body to keep going and going and going, and I appreciate that. I’m trying to love it for all it’s done for me. I do love this picture. It inspires me.
If you’ve read all the way to here, I’m amazed. Thanks.
I’d love to read about any similar experiences concerning spiritual and physical manifestations you might have. It’d be nice to realize I have company, though I really don’t wish this condition on anyone. Well, except maybe on those who don’t believe it’s real.
OMG; we have the same kind of body and I have or am going through what you did about diet and exercise. Sharon
Hi Sharon. I don’t think we’re alone in this though I’ve often felt alone and like the “only.” I’ll do hurtful things to anyone that suggests that this is “just” menopause even though a lot of it sounds like menopausal symptoms. LOL Then again, who’s to say that menopause isn’t a transformation? I think it is. It’s just not given “good press.” There’s a reason that menopausal women used to be considered wise. Sam
Oh my gosh, Sam!
You speak of such a universal issue-our mind-body connection and learning to live within the limitations of our aging bodies. You echo what I have heard so many times from friends and patients who have fibromyalgia. I am happy that the medical community has finally endorsed this as the legitimate,debilitating medical condition it is. I applaud your honesty and courage in pouring out your feelings here as I know others,including myself, will feel free to do the same. I don’t have fibromyalgia but I have cardiomyopathy secondary to chemotherapy-induced heart damage and I go through cycles of fatigue,activity intolerance and give in to the limitations when I have to. I don’t like it but I have learned to listen to my body. I’m over grieving about my loss of being able to do what I used to do physically and like you, am learning to embrace my body for getting me through so much.
Thank you for another thought-provoking post and for your bravery in getting it out there
Blessings,
Kathy
Hi Kathy. I’ll tell ya, chronic issues of any kind can sure make you get introspective, can’t they? And it’s especially frustrating when you “look healthy” but can’t function as if you were. It’s easy for people to find all sorts of pejorative labels for you in that case. And sometimes we put these labels on ourselves. I tend to label myself lazy even when I’m exhausted, probably from doing more than I should have attempted. I go back and forth between acceptance and frustration and when I wrote this piece I think I was pretty frustrated! But once I get that out, then I start to work toward acceptance again. I’m really grateful to my body for all its put up with on this Journey with me but I’m not quite up to fully loving it like the woman in the illustration. But I’m working on it. I think loving our bodies can heal them. Sam
Sam,
It’s Sherrie here (from the Yahoo group(s)).
For the longest time, I thought you were a man and I was very impressed with your spiritual enlightenment. I am still impressed though less so, now that I know you’re a woman. (Not sure what that say about men, but . . . oh well!)
I thought I was struggling until I read your post. I do eat extremely healthy and TRY to exercise 2-3 times a week. But I don’t meditate and I certainly do not EVER run. Even when I was skinny, my knees, ankles and/or lungs could not handle running. I love to walk though and can walk for hours (except in San Francisco ;->).
I have been on every diet known to man. In fact, my recent weight gain, I believe, can be attributed to Atkins. My husband lost 35 lbs. and I gained 30!
I would give up too, but I am afraid of becoming the Fat Lady at the circus. 8=)
I have asked doctors to test my for thyroid and fybromyalgia, but they just look at me like I don’t want to take responsibilty for my weight issues. I suspect they think I down potato chips and cokes by the truckload, yet I almost never touch the stuff. I’m almost religious about staying away from junk food.
Three years ago, I started growing my own vegies, thinking that would help. It hasn’t.
So, if you come up with any answers, please let me know ASAP.
Thanks,
Sherrie Miranda
P.S. Natalie Goldberg recommends writing as a practice. You might try reading “Writing Down the Bones”. I loved it.
Hi Sherrie. Yup, I’m female. *G* I know what you mean about men and spirituality. I don’t know if it has something to do with the way brains are wired or not but when I come across a man with whom I can really talk about this sort of thing it feels like a real gift. As for running, well, I seemed to have been built for it and even though I started late, it felt really great to be able to do it. I actually wrote a piece about it for my writing group, And the Beat Goes on. Or maybe it was for the blog. I don’t remember. LOL I hear ya about the “diet gurus” not believing that doing all the right things doesn’t work. I used to be one who believed that, too. Maybe that’s why life has given me this challenge, to show me that making assumptions makes asses of both the assumer and the assumee. Boy, karma bites! Many years ago when I was in therapy I told my therapist that in spite of my clearly difficult condition I considered myself healthy, I couldn’t explain what I meant. I still can’t be real clear about it but I believe health is not always what we think it is. I do believe I am healthy; I simply have challenges that make it appear otherwise to objective observers. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to change those challenges, though. *G* I think you might need to look for some different doctors, too. LOL If I come up with any answers, at least ones that work for me, the blog will be the first place I put them. Sam
P.S. backatcha. I’ve been writing and journaling for over a decade now, ever since I read The Artist’s Way. Loved Writing Down the Bones, too. Sam
Hi Sam, I’ve been overweight since 1999, the start of my ascension journey. If I got upset about it I would come across something about weight gain and ascension and that would put me back into an acceptence of the situation. Eventually though I was starting to get ill from the weight and last year I told Sprit I was retiring from any spiritual work as I could do no more and I meant it this time. Something did shift energetically after that and then I found a diet programme in October that would help me lose the weight and my angelic team were quite supportive of it although I found some odd delays to actually starting it until January. I got quite ill in December and ended up in hospital at the end of the month so I was glad I had been delayed in my diet start date. I think something big energetically got shifted in that month of being ill. I’ve lost 4.5 stone so far and on track to lose another stone and a half.
Hey Auntie Sam,
I can totally relate to some of this. Especially recently. I’ve developed a low back ache. I have never had this problem before and it makes trying to get “normal” everyday activities a real chore, let alone anything that takes a real effort. I love the picture you posted also!
Hey, Leah! Good to see you. Glad you dropped by. Yes, that lower back stuff can be a real pain (literally), can’t it? There are lots of reasons we can have back pain, from leg length differences to hip problems and all sort of things we don’t even relate to the back. Anyway, since I’ve lived with it for several years now I’ll make a couple of recommendations you can either take or leave. First, a chiropractor. A good one. Second, a professional massage. Preferably a massage after a chiro adjustment. Really a double whammy on that pain thing. And if it doesn’t work as well as you’d like, well, a professional massage is always a wonderful thing. Luvya! Sam